Relapse

I fucked up last night. 

I experienced a feeling of weakness; I couldn't fend off on my own.

  I called my friends, but no one picked up the phone. 

So I hunted and I scavenged for something to cut with.  I found a box of pink shaving razors I haven't touched in god knows how long. It’s been that long sense I bothered to shave my own legs. It took me 20 mins and a pair of dull scissors to crack the top off of one.  Glory is to heaven; these blades were brand new. I sat down in the middle of my bed and turned the main lights off and my tiny lamp on. I laid out my set up, the way I used to in 9th grade.

Cotton balls

Alcohol

Baby wipes

Gauze/ band-aids

Scotch tape

Razors 

Music

My OCD tendencies blossom when I’m under stress, so I felt the need to lay everything out evenly according to size and color.  I don't remember starting, I didn't think about the pain, what it feels like to draw a found foreign object across my skin. I just do it, no thoughts just actions and within seconds I’ve found a calm. A certain kind of quite I don't often experience ( the burden of being analytical). 

I wrote this two weeks ago, I wish I remembered what set me off but I don't.  I remember it was a hard week; bills are flying in one debt collector at a time. I received my first F for the semester and I blew off H.I Lovecraft (will explain) for the fourth time sense getting to know him. I look back now and I can see what I did was stupid but I don't feel bad for cutting myself. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to see how far you've fallen. I’m writing this entry on lexapro.  My head is fuzzy sense it's the first day I’ve started my medication after weeks of back and forth with my insurance company and my psychiatrist who did his very best explaining why I needed a brand name drug instead of some off brand placebo shit. 

I'm interested to see how this goes. So far not so bad but I’ll keep you guys updated.